Hurt

I hate this feeling....this choked up feeling....I can't think, I can't breathe right....it feels like my lungs are colapsing on themselves. I don't even know what to do or say right now. I just want to sink into the ground and not exsist...just for a little while...and wake up and all my troubles will be gone. My grandfather died almost about a week ago...and now this...I can't even sleep as it is because every time I try, I see his face in that coffin...and I start to think of how I don't remember what the last thing I even said to him was....That i'll never get the chance to say anything to him again...This is my first time ever dealing with a loss...and I'm taking it really hard...I never thought I'd see my father cry, it was a haunting experience...it just didn't seem right at all...I'm afraid I'm going to loose more family members and people I love...I feel so sick to my stomach...a failure....a freak....idk...not good enough for anything...for anybody..what a way to start my supposivly "great" senior year...whodathunkit? I feel like I've been living in a dream recently...like none of this is happening to me...although you could also just call this "wishful thinking" I'm just very thankful for my best friend Kelly, I know she's someone I'll always have no matter what happens to each of us. She's like my other half, and without her I would probably have given up on living already. If I didn't have her in my life, it wouldn't be worth living, and that's the damn truth. Oh and if you see me tomarrow at school... just wave to me...I'll be the puffy eyed tearstained zombie shuffling around the hallways trying to find my way through the crowd of fucking freshman that have taken up our school now...I am thankful for having friends in my classes I enjoy having someone to share my academic misery with of course. Well I think it's time to empty the blood from my head like I usually do...g'night folks