Hurt

I hate this feeling....this choked up feeling....I can't think, I can't breathe right....it feels like my lungs are colapsing on themselves. I don't even know what to do or say right now. I just want to sink into the ground and not exsist...just for a little while...and wake up and all my troubles will be gone. My grandfather died almost about a week ago...and now this...I can't even sleep as it is because every time I try, I see his face in that coffin...and I start to think of how I don't remember what the last thing I even said to him was....That i'll never get the chance to say anything to him again...This is my first time ever dealing with a loss...and I'm taking it really hard...I never thought I'd see my father cry, it was a haunting experience...it just didn't seem right at all...I'm afraid I'm going to loose more family members and people I love...I feel so sick to my stomach...a failure....a freak....idk...not good enough for anything...for anybody..what a way to start my supposivly "great" senior year...whodathunkit? I feel like I've been living in a dream recently...like none of this is happening to me...although you could also just call this "wishful thinking" I'm just very thankful for my best friend Kelly, I know she's someone I'll always have no matter what happens to each of us. She's like my other half, and without her I would probably have given up on living already. If I didn't have her in my life, it wouldn't be worth living, and that's the damn truth. Oh and if you see me tomarrow at school... just wave to me...I'll be the puffy eyed tearstained zombie shuffling around the hallways trying to find my way through the crowd of fucking freshman that have taken up our school now...I am thankful for having friends in my classes I enjoy having someone to share my academic misery with of course. Well I think it's time to empty the blood from my head like I usually do...g'night folks

Walking with Strangers

eh I'm not feeling so great...idk. My day was okay, I mean we celebrated Mel's birthday, that was fun. I made her a card myself and whatnot. Then we all went out to dinner at cheeseburger in paradise. I got home and just got bitched at by my mother about things I already know that she has the need to beat into my head over and over. Like I don't already know that I'm a shitty excuse for a daughter. C'mon now I'm not an idiot. Whatever, I just wish someone was around to comfort me, Kelly's bascially at her grandmom's now...not that she could come down here anyway at 12 in the morning...=/ and Kris moved cause he's a fucking lesbian. So yeah, basically I feel kinda like I'm bein left alone here. It sucks...I hate feeling like a festering ball of negativity. I really hope this vacation can make me feel better, I need to just get away and soak up some sun...absorb some vitamin c...or wait maybe it's not c...fuck Idk it's some kind of vitamin. Meh what else is new? Nothing....



"Okay - so things don't always go your
Way. We may see things for what they
are someday. So things don't always go your
Way. See things for what they
are today "